Thursday, May 26

0258 hrs

As i was about going to sleep, i shut my eyes and routinely run through my thoughts before heading to dream/blank land. I recalled once my friend told me about her past being with her boyfriend 24/7 during college and lost a few of her closest friends also affecting friendship issues then they started labelling her as a friend ditcher when they felt at times they were being used when her boyfriend was away, sort of. Ultimately, she did claim to be that person when she gained consciousness but its too late.. And particularly why all of a sudden i was thinking about this? Well i recently get back hanging around with my high school sweethearts after a year of hustle with foundation since i think we seldom go out previously as each one of us was busy as a Queen bees (@ our own location, duh). Clearly now i have the time to spare to be surrounded by them as i'm pleased with their company. I miss them cause y'know we used to spend almost everyday due to school and not a day without seeing them (except for weekends, everybody knows!!) And Im glad i wasn't the person that my friend fess up or else... Its obvious i'll be losing them.. 
And i never want that to happen. Ever.

Humans are odd.
I am too.

So, i had a lover before in high school and we didn't seem to agree anything about being together all the time. Even. During. Recess (as far as i can recall). We only got by together when we were heading back home but yeah i was being me, of course busy with my Gate B 101 gossip club and sometimes we only bid our goodbye but definitely be in touch after we reached home. Even though i am lucky enough to have very understanding friends in being with boyfriend and respecting our little privacy together and shits but i still think its not the right thing to do (at times). You get what i mean?? Or i'm getting it alone?! Cause in the end, friends are gonna come by and ask if im okay after all. Basically, i'm always stuck in between. Friends and relationship. Sometimes i got caught in balancing which are the priorities but eventually i straighten myself out, put on my thinking cap further to find more outcomes than hurting anybody by spending time equally with both parties but i fought before in this issue with him and.. gosh i can't seem to remember how i got off with it. Kah! Its all good now, i'm fully prepared. Thank you, experience.
I've heard a lot of stories on being devoted girl/boyfriend(s) and such but to that kind of extent is a bit too much for me. Finally i realised that i'm not the hopeless romantic or any near to the word kind of person. I find them all equally in my dictionary and in terms of that; nobody gonna feel left out from my sight. Over my dead body (ok la tak la over sangat) Its like i want to carry them all in my little basket and boom! My case is done.. Thats irrational.. Due to my bizarre/complicated trait i got here, might hurt some individual like for instance; my future boyfriend as i treat them well and only fun sometimes but actually thats plain me. I'm not considering myself boring, if you know me really i'm fun! (perasan. takda sapa cakap pun) (ngaku sendiri) (kait bakul, angkat sendiri). I do have a way to differentiate who i care and for who i love. A matter of fact it bring two different word and meaning. 
But the cons is the person who can notice that is myself, only
Yikes. 
Hard but true.
 For the ones i love would definitely misunderstand on how i expressed my affectionate and observe it that they are entirely the same as i treat others too. But boo, u gotta trust me. U hafta to put us in trust baby. Oh its diff fo shoo.

What if i did become to the person i outta seem to escape from it, am i actually living?

Cause i don't seem to live lively without the ones i care around me rn and i co/wouldn't bare not seeing those familiar faces in my future.