Saturday, August 12

hEll0

2017.

Its been ages i left my blog deserted. I did not realise how time pass through as lightning. Left my blog unattended due to busy schedule plus i rarely have the chance to use the laptop. I'm with my phone all. da. time. Why don't i just blog by it? cause gurl you don't get the feel typing in those rectangle screen.

How am i?
Well, hardly-breathing.
Here it goes.

After i completed from foundation.. the journey to your future has begun! Choosing the next step was by far the hardest part.
I had my doubts. Dentistry? Medicine? Pharmacist? Engineering?

Back then i was so into being a pharmacist as it was my father's dream for my sister to pursue but she couldn't due to some reason. I thought hey maybe if i could fulfill it but yknow what? I can't. I do not have any passion for chemistry. Its not ma thang. Umm pharmacist?.. No, thank you.

I was interested in dentistry so i did some research and found a few local universities which i can enroll in. The first was in Kedah. I tried my best to get in line but unfortunately they only took 10-20% students from other universities and priorities more on their students (ofcourse) Their fees i tell you very reasonable! well compared to others. My effort did not end there as i did call other universities too but most of them were fully booked or in their waiting list which you need to go through interviews and such. Moreover, the competition was real. I was devastated knowing i won't have the chance.

Thinking...... let it go.
Out from the list.

When my dream was crashed, i talked myself out to try for engineering. Why all of a sudden? maybe because my siblings are all engineers, even my in-laws. I consulted with them and applied. Achieved 2 offers. Even then, i was in doubt again.

Referring to my previous post, i sat for my chemistry paper again.
After i received my result, the university offered me a place for Bachelor in Medicine and Surgery.
I never thought of it at first because the only thing in my mind was to escape from that place and the need to start fresh in a new environment.

Somehow.. a glimpse in me.. agreed to it.

Here i am now, just ended my Professional Exam Year 1.

Always in my du'a that we pass to Year 2 with flying colours together. I would like to thank my friends who helped me in studies, without y'all i'll be clueless. Cheers to study group!

You'll never know how your future holds. The ups and downs that you need to face before deciding or in progress. There's always a reason why things did not go as planned.

Salam Satu Malaysia.


Saturday, September 17

oh me

Benefits.
You must be thinking maybe 'friends with benefits '? *include in a smirk face to it* Mine's different.
Have you ever been used by someone for their own good? I'm sure you've been. Well that's me in a nutshell nowadays & constantly giving me a hard time. Gosh. Taking my kindness for granted to be precise. I'm the person who rarely says no for an answer probably more of  the i'm up to it! girl and its oblivious where's the main point why all of this is actually a problem. I wasn't decisive with myself, not entirely vigilant on the decisions i made moreover letting people to do such things; i'm disappointed.
I'm sure my niat on helping is always there but as time goes by i felt tired and questioned 'do usually people give.. get back? Due to so many reason i said so and couldn't further explain. Don't judge. If the person is doing vice versa, i wouldn't mind at all but.. its complicated. Knowing  the fact that the person you've been there, looking out their backs.. wouldn't do the same; is saddening. The only conclusion i can came up with it was to stay away. I clearly want to refrain myself in such hardship. However, it didn't end just yet. Its officially endless! Only with different people. Its true problems don't settle at only one place. No more i said but the thing is i'm being such a coward to stand up/voice out for myself and conclude that i'm absolute in fear of changes.
Bitter of me to restrain in seeing them because all of this are coming from my friends. Closest ones especially.

Thursday, May 26

0258 hrs

As i was about going to sleep, i shut my eyes and routinely run through my thoughts before heading to dream/blank land. I recalled once my friend told me about her past being with her boyfriend 24/7 during college and lost a few of her closest friends also affecting friendship issues then they started labelling her as a friend ditcher when they felt at times they were being used when her boyfriend was away, sort of. Ultimately, she did claim to be that person when she gained consciousness but its too late.. And particularly why all of a sudden i was thinking about this? Well i recently get back hanging around with my high school sweethearts after a year of hustle with foundation since i think we seldom go out previously as each one of us was busy as a Queen bees (@ our own location, duh). Clearly now i have the time to spare to be surrounded by them as i'm pleased with their company. I miss them cause y'know we used to spend almost everyday due to school and not a day without seeing them (except for weekends, everybody knows!!) And Im glad i wasn't the person that my friend fess up or else... Its obvious i'll be losing them.. 
And i never want that to happen. Ever.

Humans are odd.
I am too.

So, i had a lover before in high school and we didn't seem to agree anything about being together all the time. Even. During. Recess (as far as i can recall). We only got by together when we were heading back home but yeah i was being me, of course busy with my Gate B 101 gossip club and sometimes we only bid our goodbye but definitely be in touch after we reached home. Even though i am lucky enough to have very understanding friends in being with boyfriend and respecting our little privacy together and shits but i still think its not the right thing to do (at times). You get what i mean?? Or i'm getting it alone?! Cause in the end, friends are gonna come by and ask if im okay after all. Basically, i'm always stuck in between. Friends and relationship. Sometimes i got caught in balancing which are the priorities but eventually i straighten myself out, put on my thinking cap further to find more outcomes than hurting anybody by spending time equally with both parties but i fought before in this issue with him and.. gosh i can't seem to remember how i got off with it. Kah! Its all good now, i'm fully prepared. Thank you, experience.
I've heard a lot of stories on being devoted girl/boyfriend(s) and such but to that kind of extent is a bit too much for me. Finally i realised that i'm not the hopeless romantic or any near to the word kind of person. I find them all equally in my dictionary and in terms of that; nobody gonna feel left out from my sight. Over my dead body (ok la tak la over sangat) Its like i want to carry them all in my little basket and boom! My case is done.. Thats irrational.. Due to my bizarre/complicated trait i got here, might hurt some individual like for instance; my future boyfriend as i treat them well and only fun sometimes but actually thats plain me. I'm not considering myself boring, if you know me really i'm fun! (perasan. takda sapa cakap pun) (ngaku sendiri) (kait bakul, angkat sendiri). I do have a way to differentiate who i care and for who i love. A matter of fact it bring two different word and meaning. 
But the cons is the person who can notice that is myself, only
Yikes. 
Hard but true.
 For the ones i love would definitely misunderstand on how i expressed my affectionate and observe it that they are entirely the same as i treat others too. But boo, u gotta trust me. U hafta to put us in trust baby. Oh its diff fo shoo.

What if i did become to the person i outta seem to escape from it, am i actually living?

Cause i don't seem to live lively without the ones i care around me rn and i co/wouldn't bare not seeing those familiar faces in my future.




Tuesday, April 12

Tough




Exam result have been released a few weeks back and i'm at a disadvantage situation where i need to re-sit one core subject since i did not meet their (or any universities) requirement, devastated since i knew day 1. I did not exactly fail the subject but only unlucky enough to achieve its target as i managed to get a B- for Chemistry while they at least need a solid B to pursue in medical courses (even from other uni). Everyone put on their pity face as i mention i only need a few points, really tiny few (0.17 actually) and i'm more glad to cheer my own self by talking something else. As you know i did sign up for college earlier than everyone else so they were a bit confused why i've been so relaxing all awhile but thats all up to me right?! to be relax or in a hectic situation!! stahp.
I recently fired up the engine (my brain)(my energy) to class in duration of 3 months for just only one subject.
Doesn't that sounds.. you know.. petty..
To me.. Its a yes.

Nasib tidak menyebelahi ku

Its okay though. Now i realised where i'm weak (not entirely) at and choose wisely of courses i would like to further for degree. So this means that all the relatable to Chemistry subject, i clearly need to avoid at every circumstances since i'm not confident enough in maintaining its pointer through out the semesters. For instance; Bachelor in Pharmacy which needs a B+ at least for Chemistry as it is pure based on the subject. I've seen the overall list of subjects and i was well stressed out seeing as i laid my eyes reading also engulfing word by word. Oh boy.  I hated my counselor from that day onwards as if he was throwing a grenade at me!
Every semester.. Have at least 2 or more if i'm not mistaken of Chemistry which they branched out their generations of it! Organic chemistry, physical chemistry and the list goes on at the duration of 4-5 years. I don't have the guts to take up my father's challenge of me being a pharmacist. Me?! Chemistry?! We really don't have the interrelated in any type of bonds also not a single force i would indulge in such trouble to study on what i least preferable.
What more i can do other than fixing up on what needs to be fix, for future sake. Gosh.
Lesson learned.

= I deactivated my Instagram recently and its been 2 weeks 2 days.. I survived! #achievementunlocked

Salam Satu Malaysia.

Thursday, March 24

i lost myself the whole time in refraining to let go what i lose.

Sunday, March 20

Xdehal bro.

In a confusion state.
This is where it begins where you start to filter your surrounding and i like to use the word; gone!
For instance when you used to hang a lot with a friend then suddenly his/her time has come to be in a relationship, in all state poof! Status member; GONE.
I usually use the phrase people come and go maybe finally i realised the actual mean behind it.

....

Do you ever feel like, okay well you have a friend alright and you were there at their worst also sometimes at their best. As time goes by the bond between you and your friend gaping day by day due to each other's busy-ness. One day you decide to do some catch up but it turns out the other somehow does not really see what you are doing (effort, to atleast find time for them) and its super awkward when you feel like 'bertepuk sebelah tangan' - damn i just love peribahasa. After the meet up, there's no any sign of them to do the same way and eventually we stopped. Status member; GONE.
I somehow feel rather sad then angry. People do say when you are not at my worst, you don't deserve my best. I find that everyone deserve my best but at the right moment cause i don't know maybe during at my best i could cheer up someone on having a bad day or to get a chance to see the other side of me or maybe acknowledge new/current people of knowing me is not bad at all. Those are just my thoughts on the idea of this topic.


Tuesday, February 23

I'm proudly to say that i've finished phase 1!
College was well um tiring. A year passed and my misery finally had come to an end. I did moderate on my third semester and not as well as the first followed by the second semester because dear let me tell you, i couldn't pull up the shit(s) together with all the core subjects which supposed to be under the same genre; Biology but broken up into two parts: Anatomy and Physiology & Basic Genetics. Not to mention their super side-kicks Chemistry II and Mathematics II (more towards calculus), can you imagine having to cope all these nuisance in just 2 months top with additional piles of assignments, presentations and exhibitions. I'm a bit in dazed how time flies so fast and could manage through each of its own tasks. Do remember, during college teamwork is #1. If you're likely stuck in the middle of an assignment seek for help with your team members or your so called 'troop' because they are the ones probably going to keep you survive. Lecturers will only help a little but most of it you. are. on. your. own. Copy paste is cliche among us (all) but i did try avoiding and do it instead cause sometimes i just questioned myself; where's the originality in you? (with the help of Google and Wikipedia, May Allah bless you for such invention!) There's always this one group does everything to the very last minute (which includes me) but in a good way as in we did our parts together not rather the ones who asked for others' paper work complete with results also explanation then been pleading to e-mail them everything and pressed print! Express lu, banyak cantik. So annoying. Its only foundation, wait for degree.. For more troubles to come!

HOLIDAY MODE ON.